Control

I was very fortunate to enjoy a month (nearly six weeks) of full-fledged sanity, but after Frankie was put to sleep, without my consent, with an alternate being considered, I was very sad, and felt rather betrayed. I lost a lot of trust in the people around me, and started to be very angry with myself for trusting said people to begin with, not to mention feeling powerless over the verdict.

At first it was purely grief over losing such a loving and lovely little pup, but quickly my thoughts grew erratic, and once again I found myself returning to my old ways. I lost interest in eating, and sleep evaded me. The conflict between me and my "family" turned my world upside down. 

I started wishing I had never moved here, that I still had my own place, a thought that kept entering my mind throughout the last week. It is nearly impossible to find privacy here, on my own terms. It is rare that I can go out the front or back without being accosted (which is why I have taken to an owl's schedule, so these things are dramatically reduced).

Not wanting to speak to anyone but Peter, and even half the time not even him, I started to feel very alone, which didn't help things. He didn't understand half the things I felt, nor why I felt them. It just lay outside of his experience. 

Peter and I started to fight a lot. Not over anything meaningful, yet not meaningless. I was just in that state of mood where I was so easily offended, and in a deep state of worry that he was not the kind person I have always believed him to be. I was troubled to say the least.

I am not sure if my fears are unfounded. Peter goes from being super supportive to not wanting anything to do with me. There are times where he is so comforting, but then other times where he says he doesn't have time for me or my bullsh*t. 

Lately I have been feeling exhausted, and more prone to hurting myself. My arms are adorned with bite-shaped bruises and scissor and knife cuts. In frustration I also take to slamming my head against the wall, bedhead, or a book until I can't really "feel" or "think". I have lost control.

Feeling like this for most of the hours in the day is daunting, to say the least. I hope to regain control soon, and to help myself I am making a bit of a list in order to help me deal with things better in the future.

The most important thing I can do for myself is to have money right now. This gives me freedom in spending time away short-term, as well as long-term. Without family or friends to fall back on, a cheap hotel room for a few nights will be my only option (and the most preferable regardless, because I find it hard to explain bipolar disorder to others).

I have tried very hard to find a job over the last few months, to no avail. The only thing that stands in the way of library jobs that pop-up is previous experience, so volunteer work will serve me well. I also believe in contributing to society regardless, so hopefully I can help out the library while bettering myself.

Taking the first steps to getting better can be scary, especially since with mental illness, you fail more than you suceed. To anyone else suffering this as well, I hope you can start to climb out too.